我

每天早上刷牙看见镜子中的自己都会重复问自己，镜子里的是我么？

不知从几时开始开始不认识自己了，开始迷失自我。。。。。

分不清左右，

分不清错与对，

别人眼中的我是我么？

多面的我开始迷惑了。。。

曾经很努力的塑造别人眼中应该怎样怎样的“我”，可那不是我。。。。。

在人生的交叉点上，不同的“我”向在开辩论大会似的，马不停蹄的说服我应该像那一个方向驶去。向左还是向右？心理的答案永远是个谜。。。。。。欲望与自卑成了走向绝望的道路。

犹疑已变了一个习惯，

逃避已变了我的避风港，

虚假更成了我的本能。

我还活着。。。。。

草莓奖得主之逃工日记

很不幸的，一直以为演技很棒的我，竟然会败在这个韩国supervisor 身上，insun yu......

话说有一天早上，外面下着毛毛细雨，懒惰的我带着沉重的心情起身，刷牙，洗脸，脑里在盘算着要不要去上班，要怎样自编自导自演。。。。。上回头疼，这次又哪里不舒服呢？带着犹疑的心情，我决定由上天决定， 拿了以每两块的硬币（加币两块是coin), 结果上天决定我不用去！其实也是自欺欺人，因为我一定会扔到我要的那一面为止。哈哈！ 接着讯速的打开电脑，发个email 如下：

hey alberto,

I am sorry to tell you that I am quite sick today so I think I can't make it to the lab today. Hope I can turn up tommorow if everything's fine. I am going to see a doctor later on and hopefully I will be fine soon. I hate flu!!

Cheers,
Chong

连续发了两封，一封给我的gay supervisor, alberto, 一封给我的韩国supervisor, insun yu .
接着我就继续躲进被窝里，睡到11点多，睡到饿醒，真是幸福哦。哈哈。 那天一连看了三部电影：traffic, syriana, 雷洛。一天的假日就这样过去了。。。

第二天也不得不收拾心情去上班了。。。 先整理好心情，一直想像自己生病似的（以为自己演技很好）。结果去到lab, 见到那个gay佬，就随便大个招呼，对白也是我意料的：
gay Lao: hey, chong, how r u doing?still feeling good?
Cy: oh, feeling a lot better now, i was so sick yesterday.. having some flu..
gay lao: oh i see, take care o.

接着另外一个同事又来，他是英国人，

chris: hey chong, how is it going? r u feeling ok now?
CY: yeah, i m doing good here.
chris: you should go home if you r still not feeling well
CY(心想：yeah, i still very sick, i think i need to go!!!): oh no, i m feeling a lot better now. thanks for asking.

过了两关，以为可以瞒天过海，睡不止。。。。。

insun: hey chong, how izit going? u sick yest? r u ok now?
CY: ermm, yeah, better, got some mild fever yesterday, feeling bad...
insun: orh. i see, u sure u sick?u din fake it?
CY(shock!!!!!!!! n laugh): errmm......
insun: it is ok if you fake it.....
CY: reali?
insun: yeah, i dun mind, （在旁淫笑,在想：死仔。你逃不过我那对法眼~~~~~）
CY: reali, reali, hahahahahhahaha..... 不知道可以说什么，借故走开了。。。。。

太丢脸了，我周详的计划竟然个这个韩国女人破坏了，把那个烂影帝奖办给我啦，真地想找个洞钻进去。。。。。演技有待进步。。。。。。

Uncertainties in a treasure hunt

Life is full of uncertainties.
Ever since my uni life started, uncertainties have become so involved in my life. I live my life with uncertainties, I think of uncertainties all the time, even cried because of uncertainties sometimes.

Uncertain of future, uncertain of where to stay, uncertain of what will happen next......

Recently felt that life is like a never ending treasure hunt. In this game, I always busy looking for directions for the future, looking for the real me, the real identity, the real character...... Once you got your treasure, you might be uncertain on what it is, you might think there is another treasure hiding somewhere else, another treasure which is better for you and will make you the winner of the game.I always thought that the uncertainty feeling is because of the ego for becoming a better winner, getting a better treasure will make you a beter winner than anyone else, will make people envy of you.

Of course, I am not the only one in this game, always competing with other comrades to get a better treasure, we might be getting the same treasure but yet we might used it in a different way. Or should I say each treasure has its own meaning for different personnel? I am uncertain. What I have 100% uncertain is this game is a competition, whoever get the treasure first, whoever wins. Is winning this game significant? What does it mean to win the game?Does that mean that you will have a better life?Does that mean that you will more prestige?After getting the treasure, each competitors will start to compare what treasure each of them has, who has a better treasure, which is more precious, etc. Is it worth comparing?Each of us play the game in our own way, each of us have our own style of playing!

What about those who still busy searching the treasure and haven't found anything yet?Or getting lose in the middle of the game? Are they consider loser?Are they pathetic? Is it because they are uncertain of their instinct? Is it because they are weak?

Living in a treasure hunt is indeed miserable. Living in a life full of uncertainties is indeed unbearable.

Let it be......

我的悠长假期

凌晨1点26分，温哥华的凌晨在一场大雨后显得特别宁静，听着学友的李香兰，开着暖气，外来的冷风仿佛在跟暖气搏斗着，一冷一热，水火不容。。。。。暖气在窗帘的帮助下，似乎打了胜战！我为暖气大气，yay!

感概我在温哥华的日子越来越短了，三个月，算短吗？

想起明年要回去新加坡，我就浑身不自在，一个只有压力的地方，一个没有文化的地方，一个以kiasu 为名的城市，一个我一点也不怀念的地方。

2008 年快要结束了，我这几个月的悠长假期就快结束了。。。。。这几个月来自由自在的日子我毕生难忘。时常埋怨自己为什么当初选择去nus, 选了一个自己不喜欢的科系。结果nus 给了我出国的机会，实现了我旅游的梦，证明了我这两年的努力使没白费的！在加拿大的这几个月，是我大学生涯里头最开心，最充实的。每天晚上放工回家，第一时间做饭，想吃什么就煮什么，嘴叼的我对自己的烹饪技术给了70分，什么姜葱啦啦，干煎鳕鱼，梅菜猪肉都一一难不倒我。煮了后便看着电视剧捞饭，真是人生一大享受之一。接着的时间就是movie time, 这几个月来看了差不多50 多部电影：the prestige, munich, 千言万语，la vie en rose, 蓝宇，ps i love you, the bucket list, the dark knight 等等。我这几个月的生活就是这么过的，当中当然还会去不同的地方旅游。 朋友说这生活是无比的堕落，不过我越堕落越快乐！

今天是weekend, 明天要去steveston 玩咯，去吃韩式烧烤！我得好好享受我剩下仅仅三个月的“悠长假期”，充分利用每一分每一秒。